A friend advised me to make a detailed schedule every day. Know what i have to do minute by minute. i've tried this before and it was productive, but i got frustrated when i fell behind.

i have a palm device. it's great for keeping contact information and calendar events. it's also my phone. some people don't want to have both things in one package in case it gets lost. somehow i've learned over the years to keep track of my electronic equipment. my eyeglasses on the other hand... i lost my glasses sometime in April, i think. i don't remember the last time i used them. i think it was in the Bahamas. so, they're probably on the beach somewhere buried in the sand or washed out to sea. i really liked those glasses and the frames were discontinued. actually, the frame maker went out of business.

speaking of out of business, i'm gonna be out of business if i don't start making things happen in real estate. better get a move on.

Wow. i got up before 10am today. Yesterday i felt stuck, or lost, and couldn't get anything done. But now with a little routine coming into place, i already feel more productive. I didn't write a to-do list last night, but maybe i can with a cup of coffee.

I really enjoy helping my Bubby. i don't mind setting aside other things to help him. he doesn't ask me for help much, but i know he appreciates it when i do. and when he does ask for help, i want to help him. he works so hard. i can remember working as hard as him and not being able to find someone who would help me. so i guess i can relate. one day, i had to move from my apartment in Chelsea and i didn't have time to pack because of my business. on the last day, a guy i hardly knew, Chris, helped me. he was wonderful. the landlord encouraged me stay longer anyway, but if it wasn't for chris, i probably would have broken down. chris and i became best friends for a while.

i'm not sure what to do for real estate today. i guess i should call the broker who sponsors me and find out if we have an open house this weekend. we have an exclusive for a commercial rental in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Great neighborhood. Visitors to New York should check that area out. great food. good entertainment. lots of artists. so much room for creativity. i think every city in the world should consider a city revitalization program that grants funds to artists to rebuild run down neighborhoods. artists can do a lot with just a little. wouldn't have to be millions. get 'em a few thousands and i bet a neighborhood would become so cool.

i should call a few people today. just say hello and let them know what i'm doing now. maybe someone will need my real estate help. today i'm helping someone fill out a mortgage application. i don't think i'm supposed to do that, but i filled out my own before, so that shouldn't be so bad. i guess i should ask Dean, the broker, about that.

i made list yesterday of the things that should be included in my routine. but i've already forgotten what was on there. in case you didn't know, i have adhd, which is not a disease, even though some people will say it is. i don't think anyone would say autism is a disease, or cerebral palsey. it's a condition. it doesn't mean being sick. it's a disorder that makes people different from most others. sometimes is obvious physically, but other times not. i was told by Mr. Cheng that i don't seem to have adhd symptoms. that's because socially i've learned how to control them. for example, i no longer interrupt people every other sentence because of the bible verse in James that says, "everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." this helped me a lot. it took about a year to learn, but it definitely trained me. i had to apologize a lot during the first year. a lot of other bible verses helped me too. but i can't think of any right now; too many other things on my mind.

my mother doesn't acknowledge adhd as a condition. she thinks i just can't pay attention. she tells me to just focus. it is so frustrating sometimes, because sometimes it's just impossible to focus, especially as an artist in new york. there's so much going on in my mind, so many ideas. i notice everything around me at most times. at times i hyperfocus like i tend to do writing my blog, except i just noticed a big truck outside the window driving by really slow and maybe another truck going backwards. must be parking. i also have super quick reflexes, as fast or faster than men's reflexes. I think i'll change the title of my blog, from Stuff from the Head to something about having adhd. yeah.

i started an ADD group yesterday called TheDistracted at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/TheDistracted/, because many of the ADD groups on Yahoo seemed to have stopped. (oh, how typical.) Then i found an ADHD group today, but i don't understand the recent posts. They seemed to have stopped talking about ADHD. And I'm not good at reading and i don't like it.

i know i need to build a daily routine, but my priorities are mixed up and i don't get time. i mean, i don't practically understand the value of time. And i have difficulty getting up in the morning. someone in my family makes me feel bad still, after years of school and conferences with teachers about my "poor" performance. i don't talk to that person much-- doesn't accept ADHD, thinks it's garbage.

so, my damaged self-esteem and I are trying to get up the motivation to get up in the morning and make a living. i'm a real estate salesperson. i just started a few weeks ago and haven't closed any deals yet. i make my own schedule. i'm helping a broker build a commercial division.

Yahoo Groups is incentive to get up in the morning, cause i really enjoy writing about myself. i guess that makes me somewhat of an egomaniac. on the other hand, journal writing is good therapy, so maybe i'll set aside an hour every morning after i wake up to write in my "journal." After that, i'm not sure what to do next. Some have suggested making a to-do list before going to sleep the night before. But i'm an entertainer and sometimes have to work late at night, and writing a to-do list is the last thing i want to do. plus, if i decide what to do the next day, i'll feel excited about it and not be able to fall asleep, which is most nights anyway.

So, i need some help. i can't afford the $200 per 40 minutes for the therapy from the psychiatrist i like. and the groups for ADD are on the same night as my weekly show. i need some direction. little strategies to help me have productive days.

i have the best boyfriend in the world. he is supportive and makes me laugh. and i like making him laugh. we laugh alot. when i'm down he finds a way to bring me back up. he (Bubby) encouraged me to get into real estate. so, now i have a sales license. but i'm not making money yet. i'm slowly selling off stocks to get by. Bubby offered to help, but i did not accept it because i don't want to become enabled by the generosity of others. only if i feel desperate for monetary help will i accept it. well, i'm starting to feel desperation, because i remembered that i have two unexpected bills for about $400 each. one of them is a hospital bill, which i'm frustrated about, because i didn't feel the need to go to the hospital, but a nurse who found me sitting in pain on the sidewalk a little over a year ago insisted. i swore it was because of the thai food i ate 1.5 hours before, but he thought it would be best to get checked out by a doctor. well, the chest pain continued for several hours, but i thought if i just lay myself down for a couple hours, it would have gone away. i was unhappy during those days because my best friends had moved away. i didn't have much of my own sense at that time, being down, so i listened to the nurse and went to the hospital. insurance only covered a small fraction of it. now i have to pay the rest.

the other bill was to pay for office expenses at an office i hardly used. i got a bill from the company i used to work for. it's ridiculous. phone use. cubical rental. common expenses. i didn't need these things. i worked from my own phone most of the time and on the streets or from my apartment. i hardly went into the office, because i disliked the chatter of the other agents around me. they talked about nothing, everything insubstantial, complaining about things i wouldn't waste a breath on. i hated that environment. if i work in an office, i want it to be productive, constructive and positive. i want to feel free to be creative and do my best.

so, real estate should be good. i have to work hard and keep busy, ask lots of questions to learn, make to do lists and follow through with them. i need daily weekly and monthly plans. i need structure.

i have adhd. sounds ridiculous. it's a misnomer. it's not a disease. it's not a malfunctioning. it's merely the way my brain is wired. structure is difficult to create. i need help with it. daily routine, 9am to 5pm bores me. attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is definitely a misnomer. i need to be creative to thrive. i need tons of encouragement because i don't see myself fairly. i often think i'm inadequate for certain jobs or tasks when i get stuck in the middle of them. i get stuck cause i lose my attention or i get distracted and can't recall the details of the task i was trying to accomplish. it can be extremely frustrating.

in spite of the frustration, bubby is my number one support. i might get angry for a little while, but he always manages to make it better.