now that i've spent the last fifteen minutes figuring out how to add a post to my blog, i've lost the will to spew out what i was feeling. well.... i'm still a little anxious. i'm in a new relationship with a fab man who is a lot of fun, open-minded for the most part, honest and likes to laugh. but as all new relationships have struggles in the acquainting area, some old anxieties have come up that caused me to write stuff down.

i couldn't sleep. i recalled old feelings of insecurity. an unsettled pang in the heart from being unknown by those around me. there was a time during college when it was so easy to open up with someone with similar intelligence and talk all night about our selves until we felt a bonding connection. we'd become known to each other. college was a fantasy that breathed real for four years. that is one thing i miss from college-- talking and becoming known. (my ten year reunion was this June, but i didn't stick around long enough to become reacquainted with very many people.)

now i'm a "grown-up". i don't like it. i'm still young in my heart, as young as those college years, but with more pain and heartache and loss. i wish i could say that as much joy filled my heart as pain and heartache. maybe i really can, but right now i can't recall the joyful times. i just have a yearning to be known deeply. God almighty knows me deeply, but i can't hear him speaking to me through air waves. and i'm angry about that. i have lots of questions. like, what the hell am i supposed to do now that i've learned what ADHD is? (hmmmm. that explains the child-likeness. then again, i'm also an old soul.) i was given a diagnosis for ADHD by two mental health professionals at the age of 29. the psychiatrist gave me ritalin, and it was like putting on glasses and seeing 20/20 for the first time in my life.

so, i have a new boyfriend. two weeks ago he asked for a commitment. he's a fine man. but then he made a comment that irked me beyond restless sleep. "why do women have to do that?" what i did was not "that" which women do. i did what women, as he referred to, would not do. i made a sly comment about that which women do and was laughing about it. then he made the comment to me as though i were doing the thing that women do, which is starting to talk about something but not telling the whole thought, leaving the listener in mid-listen and in unwitty suspense. i forget that he has had several "girlfriends" with whom he became well acquainted.

which brings me to that sense of insecurity that keeps me awake. i am not known. i believe this man in my life now will be around long enough to know me better, maybe well enough that i feel that i'm known. at this point, however, i am in a state of anticipation-- expecting to be shut down, shut up, shut out. and it's causing me unnecessary anxiety.

I'm not very good with coming up with words on the spot, unless i'm pressured by an audience, or completely relaxed. well, i feel relaxed in front of audiences usually. but when i gotta be on my own, i have a hard time putting my thoughts togther and figuring it all out. here's a way to get it out and know that someone else might read it, have a comment, maybe some support or debate...