Why am i writing here? Whatever i might have had to resolve is resolved. i gotta listen to my heart more in terms of deciding what to do. i'd rather be happy doing what i enjoy and being poor than making lots of money doing what i don't enjoy as much.

writing on yahoo groups has been good since 14 people have signed up since it started. i feel purposeful. yahoo.

sometimes others know us better than we know ourselves, which means we might be in denial. sometimes we know ourselves better than our family knows us. that is especially difficult to deal with if we see family members during the holidays.

this thanksgiving was fine; the food was delicious; i got leftovers, but just before leaving mom and dad's house, i heard my mom telling my boyfriend, Louis, all the things she complains about concerning me. and all those complaints are because she doesn't understand ADHD. the positive thing is that Louis got to hear what i grew up with and understand why i get depressed and feel like a failure sometimes. the saddest thing is that my mother probably will never understand why i get upset whenever she complains about me. basically, cause i'm not good enough for her. when things don't go the way we hope, sometimes we complain. (some people always complain. how unpleasant.) i know my mother has tried to change, because she has admitted being a nuissance and even refrained from making comments when there was a perfect opportunity. But as long as she complains about me, i will resent her words.

So, this weblog writing has gotten me on a roll. I'm now working on a sitcom that hid in the back of a binder for close to 2 years. got the incentive to work on it after getting interest for it from a production company.

it's wednesday and last night i forgot that i had to draw a floor plan for a commercial space in Brooklyn. so, i'm late to get to the office. last week, i told the broker i'm working for that i would get to the office every day by 10:30am. a lot of people who struggle with being distractible dislike work schedules including myself. but getting to the office at a set time every day, or at least having it be important to get there, has started off every day well. as long as i don't have to get there really early or stay at the office, working is fine. in fact, i kind of like working in real estate. i just need a check.

Someone told me that it takes 12 to 21 days to make or break a habit. Suppose I kept up this weblog for that many days in a row. Hmmm. i don't know if that will happen. I expect myself to get distracted by something else and find that more important than writing. however, writing does seem to organize thoughts. and besides, i have a chance at getting my sitcom idea produced. gotta write.

A friend advised me to make a detailed schedule every day. Know what i have to do minute by minute. i've tried this before and it was productive, but i got frustrated when i fell behind.

i have a palm device. it's great for keeping contact information and calendar events. it's also my phone. some people don't want to have both things in one package in case it gets lost. somehow i've learned over the years to keep track of my electronic equipment. my eyeglasses on the other hand... i lost my glasses sometime in April, i think. i don't remember the last time i used them. i think it was in the Bahamas. so, they're probably on the beach somewhere buried in the sand or washed out to sea. i really liked those glasses and the frames were discontinued. actually, the frame maker went out of business.

speaking of out of business, i'm gonna be out of business if i don't start making things happen in real estate. better get a move on.

Wow. i got up before 10am today. Yesterday i felt stuck, or lost, and couldn't get anything done. But now with a little routine coming into place, i already feel more productive. I didn't write a to-do list last night, but maybe i can with a cup of coffee.

I really enjoy helping my Bubby. i don't mind setting aside other things to help him. he doesn't ask me for help much, but i know he appreciates it when i do. and when he does ask for help, i want to help him. he works so hard. i can remember working as hard as him and not being able to find someone who would help me. so i guess i can relate. one day, i had to move from my apartment in Chelsea and i didn't have time to pack because of my business. on the last day, a guy i hardly knew, Chris, helped me. he was wonderful. the landlord encouraged me stay longer anyway, but if it wasn't for chris, i probably would have broken down. chris and i became best friends for a while.

i'm not sure what to do for real estate today. i guess i should call the broker who sponsors me and find out if we have an open house this weekend. we have an exclusive for a commercial rental in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Great neighborhood. Visitors to New York should check that area out. great food. good entertainment. lots of artists. so much room for creativity. i think every city in the world should consider a city revitalization program that grants funds to artists to rebuild run down neighborhoods. artists can do a lot with just a little. wouldn't have to be millions. get 'em a few thousands and i bet a neighborhood would become so cool.

i should call a few people today. just say hello and let them know what i'm doing now. maybe someone will need my real estate help. today i'm helping someone fill out a mortgage application. i don't think i'm supposed to do that, but i filled out my own before, so that shouldn't be so bad. i guess i should ask Dean, the broker, about that.

i made list yesterday of the things that should be included in my routine. but i've already forgotten what was on there. in case you didn't know, i have adhd, which is not a disease, even though some people will say it is. i don't think anyone would say autism is a disease, or cerebral palsey. it's a condition. it doesn't mean being sick. it's a disorder that makes people different from most others. sometimes is obvious physically, but other times not. i was told by Mr. Cheng that i don't seem to have adhd symptoms. that's because socially i've learned how to control them. for example, i no longer interrupt people every other sentence because of the bible verse in James that says, "everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." this helped me a lot. it took about a year to learn, but it definitely trained me. i had to apologize a lot during the first year. a lot of other bible verses helped me too. but i can't think of any right now; too many other things on my mind.

my mother doesn't acknowledge adhd as a condition. she thinks i just can't pay attention. she tells me to just focus. it is so frustrating sometimes, because sometimes it's just impossible to focus, especially as an artist in new york. there's so much going on in my mind, so many ideas. i notice everything around me at most times. at times i hyperfocus like i tend to do writing my blog, except i just noticed a big truck outside the window driving by really slow and maybe another truck going backwards. must be parking. i also have super quick reflexes, as fast or faster than men's reflexes. I think i'll change the title of my blog, from Stuff from the Head to something about having adhd. yeah.

i started an ADD group yesterday called TheDistracted at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/TheDistracted/, because many of the ADD groups on Yahoo seemed to have stopped. (oh, how typical.) Then i found an ADHD group today, but i don't understand the recent posts. They seemed to have stopped talking about ADHD. And I'm not good at reading and i don't like it.

i know i need to build a daily routine, but my priorities are mixed up and i don't get time. i mean, i don't practically understand the value of time. And i have difficulty getting up in the morning. someone in my family makes me feel bad still, after years of school and conferences with teachers about my "poor" performance. i don't talk to that person much-- doesn't accept ADHD, thinks it's garbage.

so, my damaged self-esteem and I are trying to get up the motivation to get up in the morning and make a living. i'm a real estate salesperson. i just started a few weeks ago and haven't closed any deals yet. i make my own schedule. i'm helping a broker build a commercial division.

Yahoo Groups is incentive to get up in the morning, cause i really enjoy writing about myself. i guess that makes me somewhat of an egomaniac. on the other hand, journal writing is good therapy, so maybe i'll set aside an hour every morning after i wake up to write in my "journal." After that, i'm not sure what to do next. Some have suggested making a to-do list before going to sleep the night before. But i'm an entertainer and sometimes have to work late at night, and writing a to-do list is the last thing i want to do. plus, if i decide what to do the next day, i'll feel excited about it and not be able to fall asleep, which is most nights anyway.

So, i need some help. i can't afford the $200 per 40 minutes for the therapy from the psychiatrist i like. and the groups for ADD are on the same night as my weekly show. i need some direction. little strategies to help me have productive days.

i have the best boyfriend in the world. he is supportive and makes me laugh. and i like making him laugh. we laugh alot. when i'm down he finds a way to bring me back up. he (Bubby) encouraged me to get into real estate. so, now i have a sales license. but i'm not making money yet. i'm slowly selling off stocks to get by. Bubby offered to help, but i did not accept it because i don't want to become enabled by the generosity of others. only if i feel desperate for monetary help will i accept it. well, i'm starting to feel desperation, because i remembered that i have two unexpected bills for about $400 each. one of them is a hospital bill, which i'm frustrated about, because i didn't feel the need to go to the hospital, but a nurse who found me sitting in pain on the sidewalk a little over a year ago insisted. i swore it was because of the thai food i ate 1.5 hours before, but he thought it would be best to get checked out by a doctor. well, the chest pain continued for several hours, but i thought if i just lay myself down for a couple hours, it would have gone away. i was unhappy during those days because my best friends had moved away. i didn't have much of my own sense at that time, being down, so i listened to the nurse and went to the hospital. insurance only covered a small fraction of it. now i have to pay the rest.

the other bill was to pay for office expenses at an office i hardly used. i got a bill from the company i used to work for. it's ridiculous. phone use. cubical rental. common expenses. i didn't need these things. i worked from my own phone most of the time and on the streets or from my apartment. i hardly went into the office, because i disliked the chatter of the other agents around me. they talked about nothing, everything insubstantial, complaining about things i wouldn't waste a breath on. i hated that environment. if i work in an office, i want it to be productive, constructive and positive. i want to feel free to be creative and do my best.

so, real estate should be good. i have to work hard and keep busy, ask lots of questions to learn, make to do lists and follow through with them. i need daily weekly and monthly plans. i need structure.

i have adhd. sounds ridiculous. it's a misnomer. it's not a disease. it's not a malfunctioning. it's merely the way my brain is wired. structure is difficult to create. i need help with it. daily routine, 9am to 5pm bores me. attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is definitely a misnomer. i need to be creative to thrive. i need tons of encouragement because i don't see myself fairly. i often think i'm inadequate for certain jobs or tasks when i get stuck in the middle of them. i get stuck cause i lose my attention or i get distracted and can't recall the details of the task i was trying to accomplish. it can be extremely frustrating.

in spite of the frustration, bubby is my number one support. i might get angry for a little while, but he always manages to make it better.

now that i've spent the last fifteen minutes figuring out how to add a post to my blog, i've lost the will to spew out what i was feeling. well.... i'm still a little anxious. i'm in a new relationship with a fab man who is a lot of fun, open-minded for the most part, honest and likes to laugh. but as all new relationships have struggles in the acquainting area, some old anxieties have come up that caused me to write stuff down.

i couldn't sleep. i recalled old feelings of insecurity. an unsettled pang in the heart from being unknown by those around me. there was a time during college when it was so easy to open up with someone with similar intelligence and talk all night about our selves until we felt a bonding connection. we'd become known to each other. college was a fantasy that breathed real for four years. that is one thing i miss from college-- talking and becoming known. (my ten year reunion was this June, but i didn't stick around long enough to become reacquainted with very many people.)

now i'm a "grown-up". i don't like it. i'm still young in my heart, as young as those college years, but with more pain and heartache and loss. i wish i could say that as much joy filled my heart as pain and heartache. maybe i really can, but right now i can't recall the joyful times. i just have a yearning to be known deeply. God almighty knows me deeply, but i can't hear him speaking to me through air waves. and i'm angry about that. i have lots of questions. like, what the hell am i supposed to do now that i've learned what ADHD is? (hmmmm. that explains the child-likeness. then again, i'm also an old soul.) i was given a diagnosis for ADHD by two mental health professionals at the age of 29. the psychiatrist gave me ritalin, and it was like putting on glasses and seeing 20/20 for the first time in my life.

so, i have a new boyfriend. two weeks ago he asked for a commitment. he's a fine man. but then he made a comment that irked me beyond restless sleep. "why do women have to do that?" what i did was not "that" which women do. i did what women, as he referred to, would not do. i made a sly comment about that which women do and was laughing about it. then he made the comment to me as though i were doing the thing that women do, which is starting to talk about something but not telling the whole thought, leaving the listener in mid-listen and in unwitty suspense. i forget that he has had several "girlfriends" with whom he became well acquainted.

which brings me to that sense of insecurity that keeps me awake. i am not known. i believe this man in my life now will be around long enough to know me better, maybe well enough that i feel that i'm known. at this point, however, i am in a state of anticipation-- expecting to be shut down, shut up, shut out. and it's causing me unnecessary anxiety.

I'm not very good with coming up with words on the spot, unless i'm pressured by an audience, or completely relaxed. well, i feel relaxed in front of audiences usually. but when i gotta be on my own, i have a hard time putting my thoughts togther and figuring it all out. here's a way to get it out and know that someone else might read it, have a comment, maybe some support or debate...